Letting Go

One of the hardest decisions in life you will ever make is whether to stay or go.  This is a decision you will make all the time and at any given time. Sometimes the decision is much more difficult; and this is especially true of friendships. We have all experienced a break up with a significant other, but the loss of a friendship is sometimes a little harder to deal with. Friends aren't necessarily replaceable.  At our ages (I'm talking to the 30-somethings and older), cultivating new relationships is a little hard to do and the difficulty increases exponentially with the number of years you have. There is nothing scientific about that statement, but it seems pretty true. You were expected to make lifelong friends in high school or college or immediately following college at that first often ill-fated attempt at a job. Making friends in your 30s is...well...rather awkward. Seriously, if you don't have friends by now, where do you meet them? Do you just start hanging out with a random group of girls in the club? Do you stop a woman in a store that you are shopping in and compliment her on her shoes and then exchange numbers and agree to have coffee later? It can get be weird. It's not always so easy to find people like you; not even with the advent of social media. I have been fortunate enough to meet some interesting, like-minded women and men through work, church, random encounters, and from said people's children's association with my own child.  As a matter of fact, one of my closest friends worked with me for years and although we have both moved on from our former employer, we are still very good friends (Shout out to DK!). I would be remiss if I didn't mention that friends from work is rare and a serious faux pas; you should not befriend a coworker, ever; but that's another blog post!) It's all hit and miss. You roll the dice with everyone you ever meet. It can take an instant to determine if there is (or isn't) a connection or it can take a while. But once you determine that a relationship you are in is not the best for you, do you know when to leave? Or how to leave without being a jerk? And which of those questions is the most salient?

As I have aged into what I want to call wisdom, I have slowed down a bit. By slowed down, I have assessed and reassessed who I allow to have a front row seat into my life. Everyone does not deserve a front row seat into your life. I have been guilty of loosely associating the word "friend" with just about everyone I meet, but in reality most people don't even really achieve "associate" status. This can be a problem for the outsider. It seems to me that people who aren't in the front row will make up about you what they either don't know or don't understand. They assume you are one way or that you are particular about one thing without knowing anything for sure. They manipulate the truth and will manipulate you. They want inside and they feel like they deserve an immediate entry to the "front row" without paying any dues. When you don't give them what they want quick enough, they dismiss you. These people need to be let go.

Then you have those people who are self-righteous and self-centered. They don't care about how their actions affect those around them. They insecure, they are impulsive, but are slow to respond to your needs.Why should someone who is always right care if anyone else is? They often create a reality that is not real, but a resemblance of what they want. They are into appearances, but not into the truth. Their truth is what is right for them. They can be out of line and often times are, but with their own jaded justification of why it was appropriate to behave the way they did. And when they are out of line and extremely disrespectful they expect for you to understand. They make excuses for their shortcomings and that is not fair to you.  How I deal with these people is simple initially, I give him/her the benefit of the doubt. I don't wait for an apology because I have already forgiven well before the ah-ha moment shines a light on the darkness. I chose not to suffer in the oblivion of how they have mistreated people including myself. I chose to release it and that person from my life. This is not necessarily cutting people off, it's more like a demotion of status. They can't stay in the front row and not care about how they affect you. They have to be let go.

Hurt People hurt people. Walk, no run, away from people who are hurt. They can and will try to hurt you. You; the innocent bystander. You become the punching bag for no other reason than because you showed up. No one volunteers for abuse, but abusers don't care about who they hurt. Ask yourself if the relationship you are in makes you a better person. If it challenges you to become better it's worth being in; but if it is just challenging you need to let it go.